‘By Monday morning I confidently predict our entire country will be waking up to November 1st 1980,’ said Mr Cameron. ‘We’ve done all the necessary groundwork – some of it essential such as laying vast amounts of people off, and some of it frankly less enjoyable such as getting Spandau Ballet back together.’
Mr Cameron, sporting red braces and clutching a Filofax, said he was excited about the coalition’s plan for mass revisionism, which has been dubbed ‘The Great Leap Backward’. He was flanked by the Deputy PM Nick ‘Cleggers’ Clegg, wearing a multi-coloured jumper, a ‘Frank Field says Relax’ badge and carrying a portable telephone the size of a shoebox.
Labour has attacked the plan saying it would be more sensible to turn the clocks back to the height of the London Blitz. Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson said, ‘In those days when people talked about ‘broken Britain’, they meant the bits hit by the Luftwaffe. It was an altogether better time than the 80s. Neighbours could go out and leave their doors open, assuming they still had doors, and child benefit was eight shillings a week, the same as now.’
However, the Prime Minister has poured scorn on Labour’s plans and said, ‘We bring Toto where they would bring Tintin; we bring Rubik’s Cubes where they would Oxo cubes. This is what I mean when I talk about the Big Society – enormous hair, huge shoulder pads and oversized red glasses.’
Mark Harrison, a behavioural scientist at Durham University, said, ‘While many people will look at these changes as nothing more than an excuse for a crafty extra thirty years in bed, we have to expect that unemployment will rise, the gap between rich and poor will widen and that greed and screwing each other over will once again be considered the norm.’
‘But on the plus side, Paris Hilton will only be a toddler, so it won’t seem so annoying that she constantly talks shit and keeps falling over.’
Fin Robertson (hat-tip to Duncan Biscuit and Sinnick)