‘This is so much better than the vampire costume I wore last year,’ said eight-year-old Troy Winklemann, dressed in a well-cut suit from the fancy dress store and a Barack Obama mask. ‘Usually the grown-ups just pretend to be scared, but at all the houses with Republican posters in the windows, they’ve been genuinely terrified. Can we scare the shit out of them? Yes we can!’
Nine-year-old Nathan Pintle, a life-long Republican from Kansas, agreed. ‘This costume’s just neat. Obama is easily the scariest thing that’s ever happened to America – papa told me. The only problem is so far I haven’t got any candy. Instead people keep promising to vote Democrat if I’ll just leave their families alone, or frantically offering up their taxes and telling me to spend it all on Hispanics.’
As conservatives across the US prepare for a night of terror, the White House has taken the opportunity to reassure citizens. ‘There is absolutely nothing to worry about,’ said press secretary Robert Gibbs. ‘If children choose to go out dressed as the President, it is simply because they want to express their support for his policies. And please don’t try to pretend you’re not in. All these kids ask for is a Democrat majority in both Houses, and universal healthcare for all. We’d hate to see any terrified elderly Republicans suffer seizures they can’t afford to pay for.’
Right-wing politicians have fought back by encouraging their supporters’ children to dress up as self-confessed witch Christine O’Donnell, while advising homeowners to adopt the progressive politics of Sarah Palin and shoot any intruders on sight.
Despite the good-natured political rivalry, things appeared to get a little out of hand in South Carolina when a group of diminutive Obamas were chased from town by a gang of Republican children dressed in white-hooded robes. ‘It was all we could find in our parents’ wardrobes,’ said one of the protagonists. ‘Besides, grandpaw always said you can’t bring about change from the bottom up, you’ve got to do it from the neck down.’