Continuing its relentless drive to ensure the continual discomfort of its users, the social networking site Facebook today announced a new raft of tweaks guaranteed to irritate the living crap out of everyone. Today’s change was fairly subtle – the font of the news feed was made slightly smaller – yet was still just obtrusive enough to worry and annoy many millions of users.
“We’ve recently been through a period of consolidation, where most people were becoming very familiar with how to use the site and correctly maintain their security settings,” explained founder Mark Zuckerberg, “So we realised it was high time we fucked around with everything and pissed people off yet again.”
“People ask why I can’t just leave things the fuck alone, but it’s not as easy as that. Basically, I’m an annoying turd who likes nothing better than to piss off his customers while squeezing every last drop of advertising revenue out of their private information. It’s just who I am.”
“We find it’s the little things that really get on our users’ tits, like changing the list of who’s online to use tiny pictures rather than their names, so you can’t see at a glance who’s available any more. But we’re not neglecting the major things either – our new ‘Groups’ feature allows you to create a group called “Kiddyfiddlers United” and add it to anyone’s profile – that’ll really piss people off. Or of course you could add your friends to the “Global Jihad” group while they’re on a flight to America – by the time they realise what you’ve done, they’ll already have the CIA elbow-deep – we love that one.”
“So what of the future? We reckon it’ll be a few months before people get happy with the latest version of the site, so we’re planning some big changes for the New Year. At the moment we’re torn between giving your phone number to advertisers, and making the “e” key not work – which would piss you off the most?”