Senior Labour frontbenchers have admitted privately that the party is falling ‘way behind’ on its planned schedule of post-election-defeat squabbling and infighting.
Shadow Chancellor Alan Johnson insisted that the party still had plans to sink into a three or four-year political bloodbath marked by bitterness and recrimination. ‘We’ve got a whole Parliament’s-worth of post-Blairite-Brownite leftist-centrist fireworks planned out,’ he said. ‘I’ve tried to start the ball rolling with a bit of bickering over tax policy but to be honest I don’t really understand the economics of it all.’
Party leader Ed Miliband is said to be ‘extremely delighted and paranoid’ that nobody has yet sought to depose or undermine his leadership. ‘To be honest I thought David would have nicked the big chair by now,’ he said, ‘but it looks like I’m getting away with it for another couple of months.’
Shadow Foreign Secretary Yvette Cooper said: ‘It’s all a total Balls-up, as we say in my house when somebody forgets to put the bins out again.’