Newspaper publisher Associated Press has announced that it is to launch an under-the-counter concentrated bile supplement to the Daily Mail to satisfy its most loyal readers – indignant liberals addicted to a feeling of utter disgust with a right-wing, middle-market tabloid. The move follows market research showing that dudgeon is now the drug of choice for the middle-class lefty, and that it is so powerful it forces many liberal-minded people to buy a newspaper they despise and read all the articles that they know are going to make them feel nauseous.
‘All we have to do is run a headline like ‘How long till asylum seekers open their own terror training academies in the suburbs?’ and stand back and wait for the fireworks,’ said Paul Dacre, editor of the Daily Mail. ‘Within moments your typical liberal will lose all sense of proportion and be hopelessly high on dudgeon, hallucinating that the end of the world is nigh. They can’t get enough of it.’
Dudgeon – known among street dealers as ‘huff’ or ‘umbrage’ – is thought to work by shutting down the brain’s rational response mechanisms and delivering a pure shot of impotent rage to the user’s body. After the initial high wears off, users then experience a second wave of indignation as they are overcome by guilt and self-loathing for buying the newspaper and boosting its circulation. ‘It’s a vicious circle,’ said Dacre. ‘In fact it’s exactly the sort of thing we’d normally be totally outraged by.’
Users – or ‘readers’ as they are known by dealers – admit that it can be difficult to kick the habit of the intoxicating ecstasy of despair provided by the Daily Mail. ‘Every time I promised myself it’d be the last, but I kept going back for one last hit,’ said one addict from Surbiton who asked not to be named. ‘My wife had no idea – she thought I took The Guardian. I knew it was bad when I lost my temper with my four-year-old at the breakfast table and screamed at him, ‘Shut it, Littlejohn, you bigoted prick!’ Poor little Rupert was devastated – I’d never called him anything worse than Quentin Letts before.’
Although doctors encourage afflicted lefties to try moving onto Daily Mail substitutes such as the Express and talk radio, a significant proportion fail ever to get themselves clean. ‘Gradually the body develops a tolerance for the substance, until finally, at some point in middle age, the addict wakes up one day to find they agree with pretty much everything Jan Moir has written.’