According to informed sources in the suburbs of Swindon, Nigel Adamson, 15, left his parents’ house to go ‘out’ yesterday evening. His parents, James and Sheila, were also left under the impression that he would be back ‘later’ after he had done ‘stuff’ with ‘friends’.
This is the fourth occasion in the current month that Nigel has gone ‘out’, a region that is generally believed to extend in a radius of about two miles from the end of Palmerston Avenue and to encompass Swindon town centre. However, analysts have cast doubt on the usefulness of ‘later’ as a term, given that short of a break in the space-time continuum any return from going ‘out’ would by definition be ‘later’.
‘There is a broad consensus on the definition of ‘friends’ in this context,’ said Dr Clive Barton, Professor of Teenage Linguistics at the University of Bath. ‘Since Nigel is 15 and ipso facto at the peak of coolness while also a closet admirer of steam railways, this and geographical restrictions automatically eliminate anyone from outside Swindon, anyone below his own age, any females and any males old enough to be able to claim plausibly to have done the sex thing. In other words, Kevin and Graham.’
On the issue of ‘stuff’, there is less agreement. Swindon is understood to offer a highly diverse range of ‘stuff’ for young groups of males, ranging from sitting in bus shelters to looking at passing girls, arguing, sitting in parks and grunting. James and Sheila Adamson were unable to cast any light on the issue, as their enquiry into what ‘stuff’ Nigel had in mind received an ambiguous answer.
‘We said we hoped he wasn’t going to drink alcopops and he just said ‘Meh’, which I took to mean that he was declining to comment,’ Sheila told reporters. ‘When his father added that if he must go off with girls, he should use a condom, he replied ‘Me-ehhh’ which was clearly an expression of outrage, though whether at the idea that he might or that we might advise him, I’m not sure. To be fair, he did come home later.’
Nigel himself could not be contacted for comment, as he has not been sighted in the past two days since being caught on CCTV cameras in the centre of town miming sexual congress with his imaginary girlfriend of two weeks, Kelly McCrae. However, his classmate, Jason Walshaw, commented: ‘Whatever’.