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Diplomats from countries around the world have finally reached a deal on where the next UN climate change summit will be held, ending days of tense negotiation.

‘I am proud to announce that the next round of talks will be held in the Maldives,’ said delegation chief, Pablo Solon, waving the signed agreement to cheering crowds. ‘And I give the peoples of the world my word that no future talks will be hosted by any resort that is less than five-star.’

The UN-sponsored climate talks, held in Cancun this week, looked set to end in deadlock until an eleventh-hour deal was struck to agree a mutually-acceptable venue. There had even been threats of a walkout following the UK’s proposal to hold the next summit in Northern Ireland.

‘We were aware that we had a grave responsibility to act now and protect future generations of UN delegates from catastrophic summit venues,’ continued Solon. ‘Were you at Kyoto? No wonder we didn’t get anywhere with that protocol. The TVs in the hotel only had 200 channels and they served nothing but ‘regional’ cuisine. I mean, you can’t cut carbon emissions on an empty stomach.’

Delegates have also welcomed the agreement. ‘Cancun has been brilliant, so it was really important that we ensured there is no drop in quality next time,’ said Diego Monterro of the Argentine delegation. ‘This morning I had a hot stone massage and then spent an hour and a half at the all-you-can-eat breakfast buffet. We’re doing this for our grandchildren, after all.’

After so many false starts on climate change, Solon is sure this time will be different. ‘I’m confident that together we’ve delivered a workable framework for moving towards a sustainable programme of high-end summit venues,’ he said. ‘I really hope the next round of talks can live up to what we’ve achieved here.’

Sadly it later transpired that the agreement included no mechanism to enforce nations’ commitments, and so the next summit will be held in Coventry.

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Posted: Dec 12th, 2010 by Guest