The new Scottish minister for transport and infrastructure, Keith Brown, has been quick reassure the Scottish people that supplies of snow are sufficient to see them through the festive period. ‘My predecessor Stewart Stevenson was caught unawares by the seasonal snow provision, but fear not, I will be making no such mistake. We’ve got LOADS,’ promised Brown. ‘As I speak, snow clouds are liberally distributing snow around the country. And to ensure that they can work effectively, I will be shutting down the entire transport network so that nothing gets in their way.’
While many Scots breathed a sigh of relief that they could rest easy knowing there would be no shortage of snow, others remained sceptical. Hardware shops reported panic shovel-buying, as the unconvinced equipped themselves to pile up snow around their houses, cars and local amenities should Brown not deliver.
But the promise of plentiful snow has also threatened to stir old rivalries, amidst rumours of English plans to cross the border and steal Scottish snow to cover low-lying parts of East Anglia. ‘It’s a bloody disgrace,’ said one outraged snow-poacher. ‘We subsidise them all year round, yet when there’s snow to be had, they get to keep it all. I don’t pay my taxes so that they can get snowed in for months at my expense. I say all British snow should be centralised in the one place. Let’s say Leicester.’
However within the Scottish Parliament, Brown’s assurances fell on jeering ears from the Conservatives. ‘He’s talking the talk, but the record will show that this coalition will fail to deliver on its promises yet again,’ warned a Parliamentary source. ‘In the current climate we know the Conservatives have their best chance yet of seizing power. After all, if the weather forecast is correct, hell should be frozen over by Thursday.’