A heavenly envoy of the Lord God Almighty has vowed to fight his proposed extradition to Israel to face trial for an alleged sexual assault dating back to 1 BC. The alleged victim, named only as ‘The Blessed VM’, has come forward after 2011 years to claim that the sacred messenger coerced her into sexual relations. Lawyers for the Angel Gabriel have questioned the victim’s claims that she was ‘blessed among women’, insisting that when she was offered the position of mother of mankind’s saviour, she was ‘well up for it’.
‘So like, I was young, I was naïve, this resplendent archangel comes down from on high and starts giving it all the chat about finding favour with God and inheriting the throne of David,’ said the anonymous victim. ‘We’ve all been there. Can’t believe I fell for it – ‘full of grace’? Certainly full of something…’