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Porn industry admits: ‘We’ve done it all’

nothing left to get it up for in the morningThe worldwide multimillion dollar pornography industry has today admitted that they have run out of sexual positions, fetishes and fantasies to film.

‘Painstaking research has shown that every position, orifice and perversion has been tried, filled and catered for,’ said industry insider Hank Fillmore. ‘In addition, every combination of inter-generational, inter-racial and inter-species procreation has been achieved in every possible location, and it’s all been carefully documented for posterity. In short, there’s nothing new under the son, not even the horny step-mum.’

Industry insiders say they had begun to suspect the possibilities had been exhausted some time ago. ‘We noticed things beginning to go stale,’ admitted Fillmore. ‘At the beginning there’s always that spark of attraction between a man and his online porn collection, and for the first few months they do everything together. But over time the novelty wears off and both parties begin to take the other for granted. Before long you’re lucky if they even make the effort on birthdays and anniversaries. Recently we’ve been seeing many more instances of viewers struggling to keep the magic alive.’

‘The problem now is what’s left for these stars and starlets to get excited about?’ continued Fillmore. ‘A few years ago you might have aimed for an original combo involving a Prince Albert, some girl-on-girl action and household pet, all finished off with some triple bukkake, but it’s all been done. Nowadays people don’t even raise an eyebrow at extreme perversions like felching crochet, buntfunting and fronteriang.’

There are now concerns that the porn industry’s raw talent will have to look elsewhere for employment. ‘Actors who are used to playing plumbers will actually have to train as plumbers,’ said Fillmore. ‘But it’s the actresses who play kinky lesbian attorneys that I’m worried about. Who’s going to give them a fair crack of the whip? And of course the fisting lobby is up in arms.’

‘Don’t worry, though, we’ve organised a conference to think of new ways of making porn. In between the one-on-one networking, breakout sessions for golden thought showers and full-on plenary action, I’m sure we’ll come up with something. And if not, the DVD should be great.’

simonjmr (hat-tip to Gerontius)

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Posted: Dec 28th, 2010 by Guest

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