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Nation decides to have ‘duvet year’

will be up again in time for the OlympicsBritain woke up this morning, opened the curtains, took one look at 2011 and decided to go back to bed for the next 12 months.

‘Ah, what’s the use?’ said a council worker from Milton Keynes, summing up the national mood first thing this morning. ‘Last year was bad enough, and now all we’ve got to look forward to is more cuts, the prospect of losing jobs we don’t even like and another series of Britain’s Got Talent. We’re just pissing into the wind without so much as waterproof trousers for protection. Plus my head really hurts.’

David Cameron took responsibility for ringing Brussels and the UN, coughing a bit and explaining that Britain seemed to have come down with the flu or ‘one of those 365-day bugs’, and wouldn’t be in this year. ‘I think they bought it,’ he told reporters afterwards. ‘They said they’d just have to find a way to cope without us, but seemed pretty keen that we didn’t come in and infect the whole international community.’

But as the nation settled in for a year spent under the covers, the full reality of the situation quickly dawned on many. ‘Jesus, have you seen the rubbish they put on TV these days?’ asked Dee Chandler, a teacher from Stockport. ‘And there’s no way I’m reading these newspapers. Isn’t there anything in the house to eat other than turkey, and why aren’t these painkillers working?’

‘Everything’s going to shit and no mistake,’ agreed Keith Plunkett, a middle-aged builder from Brentford. ‘This isn’t a one-off – it’s terminal decline. You can call me a pessimist, but for me it’s not really whether the glass is half full or half empty, it’s what some joker’s put in it. If it looks brown and smells brown, then there’s a fair chance fate has pulled you a steaming pint of horseshit.’

Approaching lunchtime the nation was heard to ask: ‘Is it too early to start drinking again?’

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Posted: Dec 31st, 2010 by NewsBiscuit

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