Prisoners at the beleaguered HMP Ford have blamed the recent riots on a misguided Facebook status update, which publicised the inmates’ planned quiet New Year’s celebration to a gatecrashing horde. ‘It’s all down to Jimmy “defriend” Banks really,’ reported one recovering prisoner as his masseuse drained the tension from his shoulders. ‘He only went and Facebooked “having a few drinks with the lads on D-wing tonight – those tax-evaders know how to party!” But before we knew it, what started as a few civilised glasses of Bollinger over a game of Trivial Pursuit became a free-for-all of thugs and sexual predators. The security was a shambles. I mean, really – those kind of visitors should never have been allowed in.’
As the violence escalated, stories began to emerge of the prisoners’ suffering as the uninvited Facebook guests ran rampant. ‘It was horrible,’ said Billy Davies, serving six months for Nectar card fraud. ‘Some idiot even started throwing Molotov cocktails. It was dreadful – they used the good brandy. I saw Frankie Six Salaries go up like a Catherine wheel. I’ll never forget the sound of him screaming as he burned: “No! Not the Courvoisier…”.
Prison officials assured the public that the inmates will be suitably punished for their transgressions, with planned trips to Henley and Glyndebourne indefinitely postponed.
But as the prisoners and wardens swept up the broken bone china and prayed the French polishers would arrive before next Wednesday’s wine tasting, they reflected on how best to celebrate the New Year in future. ‘Next year we’ll just go back to our customary entertainment,’ said a prison warden. ‘The Murder Mystery night always goes down a storm. Even if delays within the Crown Prosecution Service mean we don’t find out whodunit for months.’