Channel 4 have announced the launch of a new show based on the popular Relocation, Relocation format hosted by Phil Spencer and Kirstie Allsop. The new series will see the popular duo attempting to find new homes for former criminals who need to be re-housed in a hurry after entering the witness protection scheme.
‘Obviously with the property market in its current state, there’s not exactly a glut of people cashing in hundreds of thousands of pounds in equity from city pads to fund a country manor lifestyle,’ explained series producer Sarah Walmsley. ‘But there’s one group that will always need new homes, and that’s grasses and snitches on the run from irate henchman bearing Black & Decker power tools.’
The new format will see the so-called ‘property porn’ genre injected with a dose of urgency as mid-level criminals cut a deal with the Crown Prosecution Service and have to beat the clock to find an area in which to establish an entirely new identity before their former colleagues track them down. The renowned property gurus will ferret out desirable homes near local amenities, good schools, and excellent transport links should the residents need to leave the country in a hurry. This search will be accompanied by the trademark direct-to-camera asides from host Phil Spencer about the wife being ‘picky for somebody who’s spent so much time visiting Strangeways’ while Kirstie and the informant compare prison tattoos.
The producers have been quick to stress that security concerns are being fully addressed. ‘Obviously there will be the need for some pixelation of faces, landmarks and passers-by, but we’re being very careful to make sure filming details are kept quiet’ explained Walmsley, ‘especially after what happened to the first couple on the series when balaclava’d gunmen burst into the pub and opened fire while Kirstie and Phil were on the phone to the estate agents. Kirstie had a very expensive coat absolutely ruined, and Phil spilt his pint of bitter right down his crotch. At least that’s what he said happened.’
‘It’s only fair that the criminal classes get their moment on TV,’ commented Kirstie defending the show, ‘but seeing as most property developers have gone on the run with everybody else’s money, this lot will have to do.’