Cameron to tackle rubbish crisis by tactical deployment of Wombles

'Concrete proof The Big Society exists'

Prime Minister David Cameron has announced that he will deal with ‘Rubbish Mountains’ that have piled up in regions of Britain by sending in teams of Wombles to clear up the mess. ‘The Wombles are only supposed to be called in at times of national emergency,’ explained Mr Cameron, ‘but I have spoken to Great Uncle Bulgaria and he has kindly agreed to help.’

Over the next few days crack squads of the pointy-nosed rubbish collectors will be dispatched from their underground bunker at Wimbledon Common to binbag-strewn towns up and down the country. They will be issued with a clear remit to ‘make good use of the things that they find, things that the everyday folks leave behind.’

The task force will be led by newly appointed ‘Bin Tsar’ Tobermory. He will co-ordinate troops at a local level including old favourites Tomsk, Bungo and Wellington. Meanwhile, as usual, Orinoco will trail behind at the rear. Bin collections north of the border will be organised by Cousin Cairngorm McWomble the Terrible while compost and old foodstuffs will be used by Madame Cholet to make a nutritious broth for the troops.

However, there are concerns for the safety of the task force after three Wombles were shot at by members of the public. ‘I think they mistook us for urban foxes,’ said Bungo, ‘however, Tobermory has fashioned us some rather fetching bullet-proof jackets using some old bits of Kevlar he found round the back of the Ministry of Defence.’ Meanwhile, the media are already showing great interest in CCTV footage of a middle-aged woman who saw a Womble, picked it up, and dropped it in a bin. Nobody knows why.

Cameron is unworried by the potential for controversy around the scheme. ‘The Wombles are the epitome of the Big Society in action,’ he said, ‘they do all their Wombling for free and they take any old rubbish that we hand out.’

Scottish First Minister Alex Salmond today signed an historic agreement to send two giant Scottish neds (non-educated delinquents, indigenous to shopping centres across the nation) to the People’s Republic of China. The gesture from the Scottish government is said to be a demonstration of the gratitude of the nation for the loan of two pandas to Edinburgh Zoo, and will see these two particular Scottish neds leave the country for the first time since an infamous trip to Ibiza in 2001.

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Posted: Jan 14th, 2011 by

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