David Cameron announced today that all public services are to be replaced by a ‘one stop shop’ to the Big Society, accessed through an 0800 telephone number.
‘It doesn’t matter what the situation is – health, education, defence – Big Society Direct will let you access friendly advice, 24/7, from our team of volunteers,’ enthused the Prime Minister. ‘We shall do away with bureaucratic and expensive organisations such as the Royal Navy and the NHS, and replace them with amateur fast-response teams. These will be formed by Bob on the helpline calling his local pub to see if anyone has any military experience because there’s an invasion force gathering off the coast near Great Yarmouth, or asking ‘is there a doctor in the house’ for heart attacks and the like.’
‘And,’ he added, ‘it’s through measures like these that we can release huge amounts of funding to support ailing bankers’ bonuses. After all, we’re all in it together.’