Against a backdrop of discord and confusion, veteran broadcaster Terry Wogan, who dearly loves the ‘old country’, has agreed to take over running Ireland for a while in the interests of stability as that nation’s politicians sort themselves out.
With a mixture of easy banter and sparklingly persuasive twinkly eyes, not to mention getting paid handsomely for charitable appearances, Wogan has all the credentials needed to make him a popular temporary Taoiseach. And with Eli O’Pace in the crucial, lyrical, whimsical yet professional role of Culture Secretary, the prospects of a new, reinvigorated Ireland seem secure until at least lunchtime most days, and possibly even beyond.
Wogan will also be taking on the Foreign Affairs portfolio himself citing years of experience with those overseas through Eurovision, where his insightful pronouncements on ‘what they’re up to’ have largely proved to be spot on. He does concede however that Ireland does not expect to win that particular European popularity contest, or for that matter any other, at least for the foreseeable future.
Janet and John will jointly take on the portfolio of Environmental Affairs, and both have been hard at work. After his meeting with Dutch Environment Minister, Birgitte Grootborst, John has already briefed Janet on how it is sometimes extremely environmentally important to stick your finger in a dyke, and Janet has found that environmentally friendly wind turbines continue to produce energy even when John is strapped to one of the blades.
‘It’s time to forget the past and move on,’ said Wogan, 93, ‘which is why after a few days I’ll be handing everything over to Chris O’Evans most mornings – lovely fella – and he’ll also be helping my Finance Minister Gay Byrne out with fiscal policy from time to time, as Gaybo does get very tired these days come Friday evening. We’ll sort out all we can and then the Irish people, God bless ’em, can go to the polls and elect a better government than the one that’s just left. But looking at what we had, well, mark my words, Dustin the Turkey could be making a reappearance any time now.’