‘He has become unmanageable,’ said President Giorgio Napolitano. ‘He goes out every night and is obviously getting up to all sorts, often with some very young kittens. Even during the day he’s either rubbing himself up against you or spraying up the curtains. We clearly can’t get rid of him, so the only remaining course of action is to have him fixed.’
The decision has been made following a number of increasingly embarrassing incidents involving Mr Berlusconi. ‘We can’t take him anywhere,’ said one official. ‘Last week we had to physically restrain him at an international summit when he wouldn’t stop trying to dry hump Angela Merkel’s leg.’
The troublesome Prime Minister will be neutered sometime this week, although capturing the randy 74 year-old is proving to be far from easy. ‘We are still trying to get him inside the special wicker cage, or Berlusconi basket,’ explained the head of Italy’s Neuter Squad, Detective Aurelio Zen. ‘We left the basket in his office but so far he just looks at it suspiciously. It’s almost as if he knows.’
It is hoped that Mr Berlusconi will eventually be tempted into the basket by a trail of little treats including razzle mags, the smell of prostitutes and an invitation to a bunga bunga party. Once Mr Berlusconi is captured he will be driven to the vet and placed under anaesthetic before having his testicles removed.
‘He might be a bit bad tempered for the first few days after the operation,’ explained vet, Vitto Vettriano, ‘but it won’t be long before he settles down to a more sedate lifestyle. He might even sit on your lap, although purely in the platonic sense.’
For many Italians, though, the neutering of their Prime Minister will not be before time. ‘Quite honestly we should have had him done years ago,’ admitted President Napolitano. ‘It would have saved everyone a lot of trouble. I only hope that Mr Berlusconi can find the same level of satisfaction from playing with a ball of wool.’