Local park bench regular, Hugh Wendover, admitted yesterday that investing his money, sourced from generous donations from park visitors, was doomed to failure from the off-set.
‘I bought the beer with the firm intention of keeping it in a cellar, and letting it collect dust until it’s value soars in 20 – 30 years. Sadly, I forgot I have no cellar. That and a weak carrier bag means the turnover of stock has left me with a real headache.’
Mr. Wendover is now believed to be investing in a portfolio of discarded newspapers, and is actively seeking backers for his plan to start a hedge fund to provide himself with some temporary rural accommodation.