Rupert Murdoch launches subscription-only dreams app, The Nightly

Dream+ system will pause everything if you need to get up for a wee

Following the launch of The Daily, a new subscription newspaper app for the iPad, News Corporation has unveiled its first foray into the human subconscious with a pay-per-view dream service called The Nightly.

‘I have already invaded every other aspect of people’s lives,’ said Mr Murdoch today. ‘It was only a matter of time before I moved into the realm of dreams.’

The Nightly will feed directly into the sleeping brains of subscribers with a package of ‘premier league’ dreams including flying through the air, falling but never hitting the ground and running through treacle as you try to flee from a sinister, all-powerful media presence. Those wanting more dangerous dreams can press the red button for a selection of ‘Fox News Nightmares’, including being chased down the street by a naked Glenn Beck and waking up screaming as you discover that you have just spent the night with Sarah Palin.

‘We’ve been wondering how to tap the vast potential of the human subconscious,’ said Rupert Murdoch. ‘And with our ‘oneiric paywall’ we can at last give subscribers access to News Corp-approved dreams while preventing piracy through illegal dream-sharing sites such as Napster.’

However, the launch of The Nightly has been undermined by the news that a number of News Corp employees are being investigated for illegally hacking into the minds of hundreds of celebrities. ‘At first they didn’t find much, but we became suspicious when The Nightly started offering an erotic dream in which the subscriber is a premier league footballer having an extra-marital affair,’ said John Terry’s lawyer. ‘Thankfully we quickly persuaded them to introduce an anxiety dream in which the subscriber has to repeatedly rush to court to apply for super injunctions to prevent their secret being revealed.’

Despite the setback, Mr Murdoch has already launched The Nightly in the USA where he hopes to secure exclusive rights to the American Dream. ‘I have a dream,’ said Murdoch today. ‘A dream that life should be better and richer and fuller for every man, woman and child – especially me – and with opportunity for each according to his ability to pay. Some say you can’t put a price on a dream like that, but the beauty of capitalism is that it could be yours for only $39.99 a year.’

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Posted: Feb 6th, 2011 by

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