‘I was at a bit of a loose end,’ said the 82-year-old former dictator, ‘so it was nice to be asked. At my age it isn’t easy getting back into the job market.’
In his new role, Mr Mubarak will bid to bring stability to the region by advising leaders on strategies for peace such as controlling the media, refusing free and fair elections and suppressing all opposition. He will also be available to step in to any failing democracy to perform the role of ‘caretaker dictator’.
Fellow Peace Envoy Tony Blair, who will be working alongside Mubarak, has welcomed the appointment. ‘Hosni is just perfect for the role. Like me he has worked in the region for years, often at the behest of America, overstayed his welcome and ended up universally despised by his people. He is the People’s Potentate, the dictator of people’s hearts. Anyone who has heard him speak knows how he can work a crowd into a frenzy. He always leaves them wanting more.’
Mr Mubarak is expected to focus his efforts on the ‘high-risk’ countries that have, or may be moving towards, democracy. ‘I want to help these vulnerable nations avoid the inevitable instability caused by rule of the people,’ he said. ‘I know from bitter experience that these so-called ‘people’ can be very fickle. One minute they love you; the next they’re throwing their shoes at you. I will, of course, do whatever I can to help any fledgling democracy by facilitating an orderly transition to dictatorship.’
President Obama also welcomed Mr Mubarak to his new role. ‘America has always encouraged democracy in the Middle East,’ he said, ‘often by propping up unpopular regimes and thereby fostering a groundswell of democratic opposition. It’s nice to know that if democracy doesn’t work – for example, if the people vote the wrong way – we have someone like Hosni on hand to help out.’
‘This job is a great opportunity for me to give something back,’ continued Mr Mubarak. ‘Obviously not the billions of dollars I siphoned away, but my wisdom, 30 years of experience and an obstinate refusal to listen to anyone.’
Mr Mubarak will start his new job next month, allowing him time to finish his memoirs. ‘I am really enjoying the process of writing,’ he said. ‘It gives me a final chance to do a bit more dictating.’