With the news that inmates of the country’s prisons may be allowed to vote, the lags of HMP Scrimshaw discuss their political affiliations.
‘We get unfairly stereotyped’, complained Harry ‘Fingers’ Fanshaw, serving life for first degree murder. ‘You see someone like me – a sadistic, unrepentant serial killer, who enjoyed decorating his flat with the body parts of his victims – and you naturally think ‘Tory’. But you’d be wrong. My voting intentions? They’re for me to know and the police to find out… a bit like the whereabouts of victims 12 through 17.’
‘I’d vote Green’, said Jack ‘the Biscuit’ McVitie. ‘That ex-wife of mine is carbon-neutral these days; I even used a silencer on the shooter. I’m happy to look after the planet; it’s just people I can’t stand. For our last few jobs the get-away car was a hybrid: great mileage and low emissions. Just a shame about the accelleration. If we’d been able to pull away from those traffic lights a bit quicker, I wouldn’t be here now.’
‘I’ve always been interested in the redistribution of wealth’, recalled Barry ‘No Nickname’ Fuselli. ‘I stole from the rich, then wrestled with the obvious moral dilemma: give the money to the poor, spend it on women, booze and drugs, or make donations to the Labour party. My voting intentions at the next election? Well, I’d planned to vote for David Chaytor. How could I know he’d wind up in the cell next to mine?’…