Veteran natural history broadcaster Sir David Attenborough announced his retirement from wildlife TV to fellow regulars at The Bears Head public house today, claiming that ‘most wildlife is boring’, and that he’d ‘seen everything rare anyway’.
Taking a break from his normal job at the abattoir in Ashbourne, Derbyshire, the safari-suited legend went on to attack the ‘attention seeking’ behaviour of rare wildlife on TV.
‘Most wild animals live dead boring lives,’ he said over his usual pint of heavy. ‘I can’t tell you how many times me and the lads from the BBC Bristol Natural History Unit have turned up and found birds of paradise or marsupial cats just sitting under a bush, basically doing nowt. But as soon as they see me or Kate Humble turn up, they suddenly start showing off and playing up to the camera, doing all sorts of exotic mating dances, and shit.’
When pressed, the groundbreaking narrator of Life on Earth, The Private Life of Plants, and most recently, Animals Do the Funniest Things, admitted that it wasn’t just the alleged self indulgent behaviour of some rare animals that was behind his plans to retire.
‘I’ve got quite a short attention span to be honest,’ he said after nipping outside for a quick fag. ‘I was quite flattered to get the wildlife TV job in the beginning, and I thought it might be a good way to fill my time between working in the abattoir and being a respected former controller of BBC2, but I just got bored with all that globetrotting in the end. Us Attenboroughs are famous for getting bored quickly you know. Look at my brother Dickie. He loved doing all that classic cinema stuff like Ghandi and Cry Freedom, but he just got hacked off with the constant Oscar nominations and regular film seasons at The British Film Institute. The last thing I heard was that he was going to have a crack at directing The Expendables 2, or maybe some kind of Steven Seagal thing.’