Crowds cheered as the ribbon was cut in East London today to mark the official opening of the 2012 Olympic Velodrome. However, the gathered dozens were soon left disenchanted upon discovering that a velodrome is just a curved track for people to ride bicycles as fast as they can.
The angry mob had no united view as to what they believed a velodrome was actually for, although a large majority did express the opinion that it involved futuristic men and women roller-blading and some sort of ultra-violence.
There were a number of disturbances between a small number of the dejected crowd dressed as dinosaurs and a gang of street-quidditch players with later reports that one man had chained himself to railings, refusing to move until the organising committee revealed where the topless female boxers would be competing.
The organisers downplayed the confusion, instead highlighting the benefits that the velodrome would bring to the area; ‘We’ve checked and cycling is definitely a sport, so it should inspire some people I guess.’ commented Rick Duncan from the Olympic Regeneration Trust, before going on to excitedly reveal ‘a dark streak of ultra-violence lurking beneath the seemingly dull facade of cycling.’
‘In the first 24 hours we’ve already lost two cyclists, after a lorry carrying bunting accidentally turned left into a queue for the burger van – hopefully this is just the beginning…’