It was reported today that Super Villains across the UK are finding it harder and harder to get mortgages for their lairs, with increasingly cautious lenders stating it is the fact that most lairs do not survive the first year that is behind application approval levels dropping below 50% for the first time since the end of the Cold War.
‘In previous years it was easy for any villain to get a good lair, for example a volcano or a remote island, with a market value up to 3.5 times their expected annual income from holding the world to ransom with the threat of total annihilation,’ stated a spokesman for the Super Villains Protection League. ‘But at the close of 2010 many super villains reported they are having to build their world domination plans from much smaller lairs – and that was before the re-sale value of first time buyer starter torture dungeons were decimated by that blasted crime rate database.’
A recent survey of villains has backed up this claim with many having to take flats or continuing to rent. Ernst Blofeld, a long-standing Super Villain with an impeccable credit rating, admitted he had resorted to a long-term lease on a 1960s maisonette in Basildon.
‘It isn’t the same as my old huge volcanic base, or those cool submarine eating boats, but at least it is home and I have a good internet connection,’ he said while stroking his beloved white Persian cat. ‘I just hope the landlord isn’t too strict on the no pets clause.’
The Super Villain Protection League said that cases such as Blofeld’s were just the tip of the iceberg. ‘Some villains are already having to make minions redundant as they look to cut costs, and with fuel costs going up launching satellites is not possible for many now. We will start seeing a fall in the number of Super Villains as they will not be able afford the costs of taking over the world,’ the spokesman said, ‘I’m already hearing stories about our members converting their shark and piranha infested pools into Garra Rufa fish pedicure spas and, really, that’s no way to make an honest living.’