Lothian and Borders Police have launched an investigation into a secretive society known only as ‘Scottish Widows’.
Notoriously publicity-shy, apart from their ubiquitous television advertisements, ‘Scottish Widows’ may in fact be a codename for a group of cloaked female assassins who seek out wealthy elderly Scotsmen for financial gain.
‘Our undercover ops team tell us that many older, lonely Scottish men are being directly targeted,’ Joss Hannay, Lothian and Borders Assistant Chief Constable said yesterday. ‘They move fast looking for octogenarians, hoods up, power-mincing their way through hotel lobbies, across golf-courses, and especially, wandering aimlessly around privet-walled mazes. To be honest, we don’t know why they do that last one.’
‘Anyone with any knowledge of a real Scottish widow will struggle to recognise these Rimmelled girl-ninjas. They rarely do jigsaws or knit, and never offer a Victory V to a stranger on the bus.’