The work and pensions secretary, Iain Duncan Smith, has announced an overhaul of the services available to support small political parties with special needs, in an effort to help more than 70 Liberal Democrats escape a costly, complex and bureaucratic nightmare of compromise and despair.
‘For too long, small and pathetic political parties have been unable to participate fully in Coalition activities because we just aren’t meeting their special needs properly,’ said Mr Duncan Smith. ‘That’s why we’re going to introduce a single assessment process, so that they can tell us what their needs are and then the Conservatives can ignore them much more effectively.’
Mr Duncan Smith said he also hoped to lift several Liberal Democrats out of their category altogether. ‘Just because they are underperforming doesn’t mean they need any special help, actually. They can just grow a pair and become Tories,’ he said. ‘And we are also going to help by introducing a personalised Budget – though when I say personalised, I mean it’ll have George Osbourne’s name written all over it.’