The family, known as the Royals for their pre-eminence in the criminal underworld, have for years made a living by fleecing the public for protection money. But now Phil stands ready to liquidate a young family member known as Andy ‘Duke of York’ just as soon as he gets the nod from much-feared clan matriarch Liz ‘Corgis’ Windsor.
‘Even though Phil The Greek only entered the Royal clan by marriage, he quickly became its toughest enforcer,’ commented undercover journalist James Whittaker, who boasts unrivalled contacts in Britain’s secretive criminal clans. ‘So when Organic Charlie’s wife went off with some greaser all those years ago, it’s only natural they turned to Phil to get the happy couple whacked in a tunnel in Paris.’
According to insiders, Andy ‘Duke of York’ has brought embarrassment on the Royals by flaunting his associations with some shady goons in Florida and Libya. And though Phil the Greek had retired from his hitman role when he was refused permission to whack Andy’s wife ‘Freebie Fergie’ – ‘Dumb broad called her daughters Beryl and Evian or something like that,’ said Phil, miming popping a cap in her ass – reports now suggest he is sorely tempted to come back for one last big job.
‘You know the trouble with these young kids? They had it too easy,’ Phil reportedly told an associate at a strip joint last night. ‘When I started out on the mean streets of Corfu, I didn’t got two palaces to rub together. That little York sleazeball acting the big guy, he better learn some respect or he’s gonna find a present in his bed and a very unhappy polo team, capisc?’
But while some insiders are urging Phil The Greek to rub Andy out, others regard him as a loose cannon with his best years behind him. ‘Phil’s too old for this game,’ said underworld insider Richard Kay. ‘He should pass his lead-weighted baton on to Peter ‘The Prop’ Phillips and stick to insulting deaf Chinese orphans when they present him with a papier maché model of a crown.’
Those close to Phil The Greek have hinted that Andy might meet his fate at a big family occasion in April. ‘Phil said something about killing two birds with one stone. All I’ll say is you don’t get that type of confetti over the counter in Clintons, and you might want to steer clear of the cake.’
Adapted by Oxbridge from the original by Rikkor, with contributions from thisisall1word, Riesler and Rick Westwell.