The Department for Education has admitted that British infant schools are ‘utterly ill-equipped’ to cope when the wave of child geniuses raised on Baby Einstein and Baby Mozart DVDs start primary education this coming September.
‘As soon as the DVDs appeared in 2006, we knew this was a time-bomb waiting to go off,’ said head-teacher Wendy Allsopp. ‘Infant and primary schools have had five years to plan for this, and yet there’s no way we can deal with classroom after classroom of certifiable prodigies. We’re used to teaching basic literacy skills and colouring-in, not advanced calculus and the history of the Bauhaus. And have you seen what these little Einsteins look like? The nit nurse isn’t going to know what’s hit her.’
The influx of gifted children is likely to see a radical shake-up of the primary curriculum. Each morning will start with Ancient Greek followed by symphony composition, before children move on to more advanced modules such as ‘Introduction to bullying’ and ‘Bladder control’. ‘One of the brighter boys had a bit of an accident on the classroom floor, but it provided an excellent opportunity for some practical discussion of the differences between solids, liquids and gases, as well as the ethics of humiliation. And of course these things only happen because the poor lambs aren’t being stimulated enough.’
But the go-ahead parents of this new generation of prodigies are concerned that schools will end up failing their children. ‘Jasper’s teacher says that if anyone gets a bit disruptive they’ll be sent for time-out on the naughty step,’ said mother-of-one Philippa Drake. ‘At home we have a ‘naughty black hole’ instead of a step, and I’m just not sure a child as bright as Jasper is going to behave without the threat of being sucked into a spacetime vortex from which nothing can ever escape.’
Despite concerns, teachers remain confident that in at least one area of the curriculum they will be able to prepare these hot-housed children for what life has in store for them. ‘All these kids have been raised on DVDs,’ continued Wendy Allsopp. ‘So when it comes to sex education, I think it’s only right that we don’t raise their expectations, and instead introduce them to exactly the types of DVDs they’ll be watching on their own as adults.’