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Under stringent new government regulations, anyone who says they do something ‘on a daily basis’ or ‘on a regular basis’ or on an anything-else basis is to be waterboarded on a daily basis until they learn to speak English and say ‘daily’ or ‘regularly’. This will also apply to people who pronounce ‘secretary’ as ‘secretry’ and ‘February’ as Febrrry’.

‘Make no mistake,’ David Cameron warned, ‘we take this problem very seriously. I brought this to the attention of the Home Secretry in Febrrry, and she will implement these measures on a daily basis.’

George W. Bush could not be contacted for comment.

John Wiltshire