NewsBiscuit

David Cameron has announced that, as part of the Big Society, British citizens will be allowed to kill any student on minimum wage who accosts them in the street, pretends he is working for Save the Squid and treats them as their greatest friend on Earth.

‘Under the last Labour government, we tolerated desperate-for-money students putting on Friends of the Weasel T-shirts to extort money from people and spend it on beer,’ Cameron said.

‘No more! The coalition government will issue all citizens with a semi-automatic on request, thus enabling them to blast these pretentious vermin to shreds, while Community Police Oficers concentrate on finding the nearest Caffe Nero. It’s what the Big Society is all about.’

John Wiltshire