Coalition slammed for lack of plans to lose census information

address of Russian criminal gang on pre-paid reply envelope 'a nice touch'

David Cameron has today issued a statement in response to growing rumours that the government currently has no plan in place for how it intends to lose the information gathered from the 2011 census. With the date of the census now passed and postboxes up and down the country stuffed full of envelopes slightly too large to fit easily through the slot, Cameron moved quickly to reassure the public that the coalition government fully intends to misplace all of the information gathered, but that it is in no rush to decide exactly how to do so.

‘We have to bear in mind that we will have a huge amount of personal information on our hands and we have a responsibility to the nation to ensure that we lose it in the right way. We are looking at a timescale of several months to collate all of the information once it is returned, so there really is no hurry here. There is no point in rushing into things and partially losing the information before we have it all together in one neat, compact, easy-to-lose package.’

Speculation is now likely to surround exactly how the government will go about losing the information. The options include putting it all on a laptop and then leaving it in a taxi or on a train, putting it all on a data stick and leaving it in a coffee shop, or cutting out the middle man completely and just posting the full results anonymously online while tipping off the Daily Mail about the web address so they can be suitably outraged.

While Andy Coulson and Julian Assange are being parachuted in as special governmental advisors, Labour leader Ed Milliband is less than impressed with the government’s approach.

‘This is yet another example of poor organisation from the coalition. There should be no need for several meetings and debates on the subject, the information should just be put on one unencrypted disc and mailed backwards and forwards between two offices by standard delivery until it fails to turn up at one. Then a public statement should be issued blaming the problem on a junior official or a temp.

‘We cannot afford to have this amount of information lost in an inappropriate way, or worse still, kept secure,’ he stated in an undisclosed press release found in the back of a taxi.

Vertically Challenged Giant (with a wink to JonnyJP)

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Posted: Mar 29th, 2011 by

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