The Daily Mail has agreed to pay for the scrapped Fukushima nuclear reactors to be shipped to the UK for decommissioning and destruction.
“This is a not-to-be-missed opportunity,” explained Paul Dacre, “giving us weeks of headlines like DEATH SHIPS HEADING TO THE UK!, JAP NUCLEAR WASTE ON BRIT SOIL!, NUCLEAR WASTE TORPEDOES HOUSE PRICES! and of course: ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS IMMUNE TO RADIATION!”
Dacre was buoyant about the editorial possibilities. “We’re already working on a claim that eating radishes neutralises the effects of radiation, and Martin Samuel will be assessing the England team’s chances when they’ve all got three arms and five legs. My guess? No worse than usual.”