“I felt like I’d found a Willy Wonka Golden Ticket,” gushed Miss Peters. “Certainly trumps Dennis Conway’s locating of Elvis Presley in Hunstanton the day before yesterday.”
Posted: Mar 30th, 2011
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David Cameron has today issued a statement in response to growing rumours that the government currently has no plan in place for how it intends to lose the information gathered from the 2011 census. With the date of the census now passed and postboxes up and down the country stuffed full of envelopes slightly too large to fit easily through the slot, Cameron moved quickly to reassure the public that the coalition government fully intends to misplace all of the information gathered, but that it is in no rush to decide exactly how to do so.
Posted: Mar 29th, 2011
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With the BBC promising that the next series of ‘My Family’ will be the last, leaked plans have revealed that the final episode will show the entire cast being wiped out in the goriest scenes of bloody carnage in the Corporation’s history.
Posted: Mar 29th, 2011
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Flags flew across the nation as grateful motorists celebrated the slashing of petrol prices from 135p a litre to and incredible 139p or even 140p.
Posted: Mar 29th, 2011
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A takeaway outlet in Carshalton, Surrey has agreed to pay the vajazzle fees of any girl choosing ‘Kebab? Call 020 8669 1234567’ as their design. ‘We’d often wondered how to crack the elusive 17-25 male-pissed-out-of-head-and-needing-a-calorie-boost-after-some-late-night-action market segment, and think we’ve found the answer in the bejewelled lady va-jay-jay region ‘ said Ahmed Guleken, proprietor of Ahmed’s Klassy Kebabs. ‘We trialed the scheme recently with a focus group of 10 chavvy slags of local repute. Those sparkly slappers boosted our takings by 400% in just one weekend.’
Posted: Mar 28th, 2011
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