Figures released today show that criminals are bypassing the State prison postcode lottery by committing crimes in areas which will guarantee them places in the country’s prestigious private jails.
Pushy criminals routinely check HMI Prison reports before hitting a target, leading to a crime surge in private prison catchment areas with a resulting squeeze on insurance premiums and drop in house prices.
Freddie ‘Mr Big’ Shields told us: “I drive Freddie Junior into Birmingham, help him break into some lock-ups then call the police myself to make sure he’s nicked in the right place. See, in private jails there are smaller classes for woodwork, the she-bitches are better-looking and they can all conjugate Latin verbs.”
An unrepentant Mr Big went on, “I’m not willing to compromise on this. You only get one chance to put your kids through the system and like all parents I want the very best for Freddie Junior.”