While the ever-rising price of oil is hurting the pockets of families and businesses alike, there is one group that welcomes the inevitable economic meltdown. For while many Britons fearfully look to the time when going on the dole will become more cost-effective than filling the car for the journey to work, the impending fuel apocalypse can’t come soon enough for the nation’s Mad Max wannabes.
‘Bring it on,’ declared ‘Mad’ Nigel Morrison, president of the NFARWS (Near-Future Apocalyptic Road Warriors Society). ‘The sooner we can start racing up and down the M6, battling it out over dwindling supplies of petrol, the better. With my brother-in-law’s old motorbike gear I really look the business, especially with the natty feather mohican I’ve made,’ the 42 year-old regional sales manager revealed, ‘and I’ve already booked in the garage to have a nitrous oxide injector fitted to my Honda Accord.’
IT consultant David ‘Toecutter’ Brimfield is also well into preparations for the imminent destruction of civilised society. ‘Radiation meter, crossbow, armoured codpiece – I’ve got the lot. I’ve also purchased a plastic container and a length of rubber hose so that I can start siphoning fuel from any vehicles I’ve captured once the balloon goes up. I had a sneaky practice outside Membury services the other night – it doesn’t half burn when it goes down doesn’t it?’
In anticipation of the breakdown of law and order in the UK, the NFARWS has issued a guidebook, ‘So You Want to Be a Warrior of the Wasteland?’, which contains hints and tips on survival in post-apocalyptic Britain. Topics include piloting an autogyro, laying siege to heavily defended oil refineries and how to prevent chafing when wearing leather 24/7. The society also intend to hold a number of practical training sessions – tracking through the desert wastes of Halesowen on a camel-drawn Mustang being the first.
However, despite the NFARWS’ dystopian vision, road warriors like Morrison and Brimfield are also looking to rebuild something approximating civilisation once the initial round of fighting and pillaging along Britain’s motorways has died down. ‘We’ve drawn up plans for a brand new city, which we’ve christened Haggletown,’ claimed Morrison. ‘Built on the ruins of Bradford – we’ll use the council offices as a Thunderdome – Haggletown will become a haven for the desperate, the dispossessed and the dangerous.’
‘Chantelle from accounts looks a bit like Tina Turner, so if we can get her onboard then all the better,’ continued Brimfield, ‘and we’ve already found an agency where we can hire a midget. All we need now is find a gigantic muscle-bound imbecile for him to sit on and we’re sorted – does anyone know if Alex Reid is free now that Jordan’s dumped him?’