Leading physicists have conceded that they may not yet know enough about the nature of the universe to explain the existence of IKEA, which first attracted their attention after a couple entered the Gateshead store, and emerged two hours later with a bag of tealights, some Swedish meatballs, and having aged forty years.
Some bewildered sufferers report being hopelessly lost, and having visions of ghostly apparitions in yellow t-shirts floating in and out of secret exits. Others experience an invisible, unrelenting trolley-shaped force pushing them backwards and a feeling of deep despair.
A boffin explained ‘It appears that time goes so slowly that in the space of two hours, these people appear to have wasted literally half their lives in IKEA. We believe the flat-packed, space-saving nature of IKEA’s products juxtaposed with the sheer bloody-minded labyrinthine nature of the stores themselves may have created a paradox which shattered the space-time continuum, resulting in a parallel universe.’