Elvis returns to Earth after Sunday Sport ceases publication

Inspired by the Loch Ness Monster's decision to come out.

Music legend and king of rock ‘n’ roll Elvis Presley has made a sensational return to the world stage today, following the demise of the groundbreaking tabloid newspaper the Sunday Sport, whose hard-hitting brand of investigative journalism had forced the reclusive star to take extreme measures to avoid the limelight.

Touching down at his private Gracelands airstrip, Presley, 76, greeted well-wishers from his specially-converted vintage World War II bomber. ‘Uh-thankyouverymuch,’ muttered The King, before launching into one of his trademark karate moves. ‘It’s great to be back. Perhaps now I can, uh, get on with my life in peace – yeah.’

Elvis fans, who have long blamed the Sunday Sport for causing his self-imposed exile to the moon after a journalist for the red-top alleged that the Blue Hawaii star had faked his own death in 1977, are said to be feeling ‘vindicated’.

‘From the moment Elvis embarked on a covert mission for the CIA he was hounded by journalists like those two-bit Sport hacks. But he can get back to leading a normal life as an international megastar-cum-intelligence agent of near-god status now that no good rag is gone,’ said one long-term Presley devotee, ‘Although I will miss their Cheryl Cole upskirt shots.’

The return of The King has sparked scenes of worldwide euphoria, yet the historic event has been tinged with sadness for Elvis, who recently learned of the death of fellow singer Kirsty McColl. ‘Aw man that’s a real drag. I met her when I was short on cash and workin’ in a chip shop and we become real good friends – rest in peace darlin’, rest in peace.’

Since returning from his luxury lunar penthouse, Presley has vowed to lead a quiet life. ‘I think it’s time I settled down – maybe I’ll cut back on the cheeseburgers and ease up on the pills a little. And I can’t wait to look up my baby girl Lisa Marie. I read somethin’ about her and some guy with a monkey and an oxygen tent, but you can’t believe everythin’ you see in the papers. Yeah – from now on y’all get no more surprises from lil’ ol’ me…’ said a calmer, more reflective pop icon, ‘Oh, Marilyn and Adolf say hi by the way.’

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Posted: Apr 6th, 2011 by

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