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Londoners stranded outside London by the M1 closure are being subjected to dangerous levels of fresh air and amicable conversation, warned health experts yesterday.

To avoid any long-term health risks, Londoners are advised to breathe in deeply near available bonfires or industrial chimneys. Emergency soot deposits are being handed out to those with particularly high levels of cockneyism. All Londoners are advised to avoid eye contact when dealing with locals, or risk entering into an exchange of opinions that could last for minutes.

Transport officials hope to reopen the road soon, and have reassured the stranded motorists that the rest of the country is fully aware of Londoners’ superior dress sense and culture.

‘If you spot a stranded Londoner in a state of distress’ said a Ministry of Transport official, please calm them by scattering litter around their feet, and begging them for money.’

waylandsmithy