Jesus of Nazareth was suspended today after wearing a cross to work. Simon, also known as Peter, or Rocky to his mates, sales manager of a small collective of preachers and miracle workers, said their founder and chief executive Jesus had been behaving increasingly irrationally recently and yesterday had abandoned the group during a breakout session in the Garden of Gethsemane.
‘Then he turns up for work this morning carrying a ten foot wooden cross on his back,’ said Peter (or Simon). ‘I said no way you’re wearing that on your rounds, you’ll scare the punters to death. You look like a common criminal, and you can’t even carry it without the assistance of your Arimathean helper, which effectively classes you as disabled. I’m all for the disabled, even healing them when the occasion demands it, but there’s a limit to the red tape a small organisation can handle.’
Simon or Peter then explained that the tape in question had originally been white but was soaked in blood coming from the crown of thorns Jesus was wearing. ‘Not only did this introduce serious hygiene issues, but you have to put restrictions on headgear, or else people will think they can wear anything. The Gauls wouldn’t tolerate it, I can tell you.
‘Then he started telling us to imagine we were drinking his blood next time we opened a bottle of wine at dinner. I told him he had no God-given right to say things like that round here; it could stigmatise us all. After a short disciplinary tribunal, chaired by Mr Iscariot, our HR director, we handed him over to a passing Roman soldier.’
On the way to Calvary, Jesus explained to the soldier that while he felt he was being hung out to dry, he expected to return from the dead afterwards, unlike BP’s Tony Hayward, and he wouldn’t be appealing to the Governor. He said it would be a waste of time, as Pontius ‘Automatic’ Pilate was renowned for washing his hands of responsibility and never overriding a decision. ‘Anyway, it was a nailed-on suspension,’ said Jesus, as they arrived. The soldier duly obliged.