Donald Trump, billionaire businessman and star of the hit USA show The Apprentice has had to withdraw from the American Presidential race after it was revealed that he had plans to sack the troublesome city of Detroit. A leaked document revealed that Trump was looking forward to bringing his business acumen to the biggest job in the world, and would have streamlined the United States down to ‘thirty-five to forty profitable states’ before organising a leveraged buy-out of other more profitable territories.
Trump who has made millions from real estate, hotels and casinos is now better known for his TV appearances and very convincing head of hair. He was seen by some commentators as an outsider for the Republican nomination; ‘It would have been a bit of a risk to go with a maverick outsider who knows nothing about politics or world affairs’ said one Congressman, ‘when we have the safer, more moderate option of Sarah Palin already waiting in the wings.’
But Trump’s no-nonsense Apprentice-style approach was said to have a certain appeal in many of the swing states. ‘Running a country is no different to running a business’ said a spokesman for the Trump campaign. ‘And if Detroit doesn’t shape up, it should have to ship out! If any American cities or states are costing us more in Federal Assistance than they are providing in tax revenues, then they are clearly in the wrong country. We are not running some Communist charity here!’
Trump was apparently thinking of giving challenging tasks to various states, such as asking Rhode Island to come up with an exit strategy for Iraq, or asking Maine to rebuild New Orleans. ‘Each week we could have lost one star from the star spangled banner, until we were just left with all the winners.’
His favourites for the chop were West Virginia, two of New York City’s five boroughs and Hawaii. ‘Hawaii isn’t actually making a loss,’ confessed Trump, ‘but that was the only way we thought we could prove that President Obama had not been born in the USA.’