In a move certain to have a major impact on the magical establishment, a muggle newspaper has today defied the power of wizard law and taken the dramatic step of naming He Who Must Not Be Named, the mysterious “Dark Lord”. Incredulous newsagent customers were transfixed this morning by the sight of the The Sunday Herald’s screaming headline “NAMED AT LAST!” accompanying a full front page picture of none other than Lord Voldemort, clearly recognisable despite his distinctive nose being blacked-out with the word “Censored”.
Voldemort, previously known as Tom Riddle, has been the subject of speculation ever since the media became aware that a famous practitioner of the Dark Arts (or “Welsh Football”) had taken out a so-called “super incantation” preventing his name ever being mentioned. Only the bravest or most foolhardy young wizards have dared speak his name, at great personal risk.
Speaking to reporters, the Sunday Herald was adamant that the arcane wizarding privacy law did not apply to them. “Frankly, up here in muggle-land, we couldn’t give a toss.” explained a spokesman. “It’s a load of cobblers, really – look, here I go: Voldemort, Voldemort, Voldemort!” His authority was somewhat diluted by the fact that he then exploded into a million pieces, which reformed into the shape of a giant green skull overhanging the Herald’s offices.
The outing of the Dark Lord follows a whispering campaign on the internet, where rumours surrounding He Who Must Not Be Named’s identity have been circulating for many years. Ironically, Voldemort’s attempts to remain anonymous have only resulted in even more publicity, in the form of a Twitter campaign, popular jokes on Facebook, and a blockbuster novel and movie franchise.