Metropolitan Police Commissioner Sir Paul Stephenson announced today that the police have been misreading their polygraph machines for the last 50 years.
‘We all know from the movies that the needle wobbles about when the subject lies and doesn’t move when they tell the truth,’ said Sir Paul. ‘Well it seems ours were made to work the other way round. It was only uncovered because some of our officers got drunk and took turns using one. One of them said he’d never battered an unarmed civilian and it went haywire. Clearly that meant he was telling the truth.’
Warning notices have been issued to all 39 regional forces and The Jeremy Kyle Show, but the announcement is expected to lead thousands of prisoners to appeal. Elsie Wimpole, 88, was given a life sentence last year for a string of high-octane sexual assaults committed on rollerblades. Lawyers now believe her conviction, based purely on polygraph results, is unsafe. Wimpole’s daughter said, ‘We’re very excited. We always thought something was fishy, especially since mum lost the use of her legs in 1940.’