Cheryl Cole replaced by Judge Dredd

Lost her mojo, pet

Insiders at Fox television have revealed that the vacant seat on the panel for US X-Factor will be filled by Mega-City One’s leading citizen, Judge Joseph Dredd.

Renowned already in science fiction circles for his merciless putdowns and ability to carry off the difficult fashion look of massive shoulder pads with knee length boots, Judge Dredd is being hailed as the ideal replacement for the asinine Geordie minx. A spokesman for Fox confirmed that Dredd was screen-tested last week in preparation for the hand-over. Not only does he trump Simon Cowell in terms of mid-Atlantic English high-handed viciousness, but executives are particularly pleased that Dredd’s reputation for grunting in preference to speaking means that they will have few of the ‘accent’ issues they suffered with Cole. One executive said: ‘what is great about Joseph is that if he doesn’t like someone, he just snarls and then riddles the contestant with a few bullets from his voice-activated law-giver…it really does make for great television. Paula Abdul went apeshit when he first did it!’

Representatives of Cheryl Cole said she was ‘unhappy’ at the decision to replace her with a ruthless fictional character, pointing to Dredd’s lack of experience of television talent shows. ‘The first rehearsal was a disaster,’ Cole said in a translated statement. ‘During the first rehearsal, Dredd ordered the auditionees to disperse outside the main atrium as they were causing a public nuisance. Fourteen people were judged and summarily executed on the spot.’ Cole insisted she ‘wouldna ever a dun tha, like, pet’.

Variety Magazine has also reported that Dredd’s twin brother, Rico, may be considering a quest spot on the rival Pop Idol and is likely to duet with Latin songstress Jennifer Lopez on the Hollies’ classic ‘He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother’.

Milo Shame

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Posted: May 30th, 2011 by

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