The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge are to follow in the footsteps of other contemporary first-time homeowners by ‘doing up’ Kensington Palace and then selling it on.
‘Apparently the last person to live in this gaff was some single mother from Norfolk, so it needs quite a bit of work.’ said a Kate, scratching her arse whilst brandishing a paint roller ‘The whole fit is just so 1690.’
In order to keep costs down, Prince William has said that it’ll be very much a family job, with he, Kate and other royals all pitching to complete the project.
‘You wouldn’t think it to look at her, but Gran is a dab hand with a gauging trowel’ explained the Duke ‘Plus Dad knows a few blokes that will do some cheap grouting. And apparently uncle Ed can sort me out a bit of knock-off plywood.’ , before adding ‘Anyway, they’re all unemployed so it’s not as if they’ve got anything better to do.’
He continued, “Obviously, we’re thinking primarily of resale value so we’re going for laminate flooring and magnolia throughout. And we’re especially looking forward to seeing what Prince ‘Handy’ Andrew makes of that fusty old William Kent-designed Cupola room.”
Whilst some critics have panned the royal couple’s plans, Kevin McCloud has already hailed the as-yet-unfinished build as an inevitable ‘triumph’. There is, however, general consensus that the giving Prince Philip ‘something to do’ is a great idea.
‘Everyone knows he’s the most useless of the lot so I have a feeling they’ll come under pressure from the taxpayer to get a bit of useful work out of him at last. And besides, every building site needs its token objectionable work-shy racist milling about on some scaffolding.’