‘The new alphabet will better reflect the importance of each individual letter,’ said a spokeswoman from the Department for Education. ‘Plus it’ll keep foreigners trying to learn the English language on their toes.’
Under the new system A will remain the first letter, reflecting its associations with status, such as in the term A-list. Developing this logic, Z has been propelled to second place to reflect the prevalence of Z-listers in modern British life. This means B falls a place, but this was justified by a recognition that with rising petrol prices and traffic congestion, getting from A to B is more difficult these days.
21st century egocentricity has led to I moving up the alphabet, and C and D are pushed further down after advocates of the letter E accepted a compromise that it would come after I only if the C was also demoted.
J had been on the verge of a drop down the rankings but representatives put up a spirited defence for its key role in abbreviations including OJ, JR, and BJ. K’s team failed to hustle and lost ground after being silent in front of its knockers. LMNOP teamed up and were quickly passed over with no change.
Q was said to be resigned to its new place at the back. R’s star is on the rise thanks to the re-emergence of pirates, but there was some regret that T isn’t as popular anymore in modern Britain. Despite some protest, SUV barged forward.
W was one of the highest gainers after appearing in a threesome with itself on the internet and swapped places with F. The alphabet’s X was dumped, but is expected to return if needed for sex. Nobody asked Y.
That new alphabet in full: AZBIECWDGHJRLMNOPKTSUVFYQ.