The world’s leading international terrorism franchise, al-Qaeda, has today encountered renewed criticism from equality and diversity groups over the fairness and transparency of its employment processes.
‘Since they announced Ayman al-Zawahiri as Osama’s replacement we’ve been inundated with complaint letters and suspicious packages from disgruntled candidates.’ said Trevor Phillips, chairperson of the Equality and Human Rights Commission.
One such hopeful, Kathleen Yeates, a model from Bexleyheath, has been particularly upset by the application and interview process. ‘I couldn’t believe my luck when I saw the vacancy advertised in totalitarianjobs.com – I’ve always wanted to travel and have a lot of experience in making amateur videos so I applied straight away. I was over the moon when I received a grainy video informing me I’d been shortlisted for interview.’
Her delight was short lived, however, ‘Alarm bells started to ring when they refused to pay for my flight to Pakistan, and they did again at the airport when I told officials the nature of my journey.’
‘The interview itself was even worse. For starters, no one seemed to know where their headquarters were, and when I eventually did arrive they handcuffed me to a radiator and set me a work-related task while I waited to be seen. You try assembling an AK47 with false nails.’
‘Plus, the multiple-choice test they had me fill in was ridiculous. For starters, the only options for the ‘What kind of beard do you plan on cultivating’ question were ‘big’, ‘bushy’, ‘big and bushy’ and ‘menacing’. I can’t even grow a beard so it was impossible. Like something from an AS Level Geography exam.’
According to Trevor Phillips, Ms Yeates’s case is, sadly, unremarkable. ‘A lot of similar stories are coming out of the woodwork. One poor chap is now under police protection after they issued a fatwa on him for forgetting his portfolio. Another interviewee, who mistakenly thought he’d got the job, promptly exploded on the bus home after accepting what he must have thought was a ‘welcome pack’.’
He continued, ‘And why did all the candidates have to go to Pakistan? Everyone knows al-Qaeda have recruitment cells all over the UK. It seems the whole process was a foregone conclusion from start to finish and we shall be investigating it thoroughly.’
Al-Zawahiri himself has asked for time to settle into his new role before addressing any concerns: ‘Listen, our selection methods are fair and proper. More so than FIFA at any rate. Right now I’m a busy man with some big shoes to fill and, to be honest, I need all this like a hole in the head.’