Winner for the past seven years of the ‘Britain’s Most Punchable Man’ contest, Martin Bedford, was last night whining and whinging that this year’s award has gone to Education Secretary, Michael Gove.
‘I can’t believe it,’ said an inconsolable Mr Bedford (38). ‘I’ve worked so hard to be an irritating bastard and all-round tosser, it’s hard to accept that Gove has beaten me, though I must say just the sight of the bloke makes you want to deck him.’
Mr Bedford says he will miss not having people taking a swing at him as soon as he opens his ‘big mouth’.
‘I realise now that realistically I didn’t have a chance against a public school educated swivel-eyed dwarf incessantly spouting bollocks,’ said Mr Bedford, before punching himself in the kisser.
‘I’m going to enter the ‘Man Whose Face You’d Most Like To Slap’ contest,’ he said, ‘though I don’t think I’ve a chance against a genius like Sir Cliff Richard.’
– Rich the Guitarist