‘We realise that many people were disappointed not to get tickets for the proper Olympics’ said Seb Coe, ‘but the introduction of dad’s races should more than make up for it. Tickets are available on a first-come-first-served basis for anyone wanting to watch the parents of world-class athletes embarrass themselves and their offspring in traditional British style.’ Athletics fan Steve Merrigold agreed ‘I was hoping to watch Usain Bolt in the men’s 100m final, but I’ll settle for seeing his dad in the 60ish yard dash.’
Highlights of the new events are expected to be the British dad’s relay team dropping the baton so tripping up the Germans to stop them winning, the cycling race being interrupted by a punch-up between two highly competitive dads and someone British’s dad snapping his hamstring in two halfway through the 60 yard dash.
The dads’ events will be held in a bumpy old field somewhere in Essex, and competitors are expected to fall into two categories – dads who’ve bought new trainers for the event and have been running up and down their road for weeks and dads who’s idea of preparation is a couple of cans of Fosters and a fag before the race starts. ‘We’re all hoping the pissed dads win of course’ said Lord Coe. ‘No-one likes to see those competitive tossers win. And we’ve great hopes for Team GB in the newly introduced three-legged race. Assuming, of course, that they learn to run on two legs first.’