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‘Bollocks,’ says Bin Laden, staring morosely at bowl of 72 grapes

banana 'would have been nice, at least'The soul of the late terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden has admitted to ‘mild disappointment’ at finding that his reward for mass murder in the name of God in the afterlife has turned out to be 72 grapes, rather than 72 nubile virgins.

‘I was aware there was some theological controversy over the translation of an old Syriac word,’ explained the recently assassinated al-Qaeda leader ‘but the majority of scholars were convinced ‘houri’ meant ‘plump, doe-eyed personality vacuum whose hymen miracously regenerates itself indefinitely’ rather than ‘vine-based fruit’ – and that did somehow seem a more appropriate reward for eating fried dust for nine years before having your head blown off by a machine gun and getting dumped in the Indian Ocean.’

Dead Islamic theologians in paradise, however, have no great sympathy for Bin Laden. ‘The word of God that was dictated by the angel Gabriel to the prophet Muhammad, upon whom be peace, is eternal and unchanging,’ said the wraith of the 16th century Egyptian mullah, Ibrahim Ibn Tahrir. ‘This was enough reward for the holy warriors of the Ummayad caliphate and it’s enough for the martyrs of today. What will they ask for next? Tickets to the after-death Olympics?’

Bin Laden has been assured that the grapes of paradise will not rot and that he can contemplate them in all their juiciness for as long as he likes, although the bowl will not be replenished once he has started eating. Early reports suggest that he is likely to spend a long time wondering what to do next.

‘If this is the will of God, then I as a faithful follower of the Holy Qu’ran must bow to it,’ he said. ‘It’s just that … well how can I put it, I can’t fuck a bowl of grapes, can I?’ Several hundred recent al-Qaeda martyrs who share his cloud are now reportedly looking down at the ground and/or whistling nonchalantly.

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Posted: Jun 25th, 2011 by Oxbridge

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