28-year-old Gary Earnley spent hours last night attempting to convince himself and his remaining friends that his mentally unstable girlfriend was merely ‘quirky’.
‘She just has her own style, that’s all,’ he said, visibly shaking after his girlfriend of two years had screamed at him that he was ‘a fucking failure’ and had ‘ruined’ their lives because he had forgotten to buy cabbage. ‘She’s quirky, you know, like that girl in Juno.’
Previous incidents have seen her violently kick him out of bed, forcing him to sleep on the floor – an event of which she had no recollection in the morning – and run out of the house sobbing following an innocuous discussion about birds. Neither have been mentioned since.
Today Earnley rebuked his friends’ suggestions that his girlfriend was ‘bat-shit crazy’, telling them they ‘just don’t understand her’. Meanwhile his girlfriend is said to have slept off the mild breakdown she suffered after realising she had missed that day’s episode of ‘Relocation Relocation’.